State of the Garden Address

Good morning friends and neighbors,

Now that the weather is getting quite a bit warmer, it’s time for our State of the Garden Address.  And let me tell you… it’s not good.

I got up this morning determined to do something about the rainforest that our landscaping has become.  I took an anti-histamine and gave it some time to get in my system, then I set out to eradicate the green nonsense that’s taken over our front yard.

And thus the reason I don't wanna do yard work.

You know how when something’s really bad, you start to get paranoid.  Like if your car hasn’t been washed in awhile you start to feel like everyone’s watching you and judging you.  When I saw one of my neighbors talking on her cell phone in her driveway, my first thought was “I’ll bet she’s calling the POA to tell them to put down their torches and pitchforks.  The lynching won’t be necessary.”  But then I reminded myself that she’s cool and is probably one of a handful that wouldn’t judge.

Armed with clippers, rakes, a hoe (of the garden variety, not the kind that has reality shows on E!), limb cutter, a shovel and a playlist full of non-kid-friendly gangsta rap, I went into action.  The gangsta rap wound up being the most effective tool of the morning.  “Y’all gon’ make me lose my mind.  Up in here.  Up in here…”  You can imagine how motivating it is to be rapping about poppin’ a cap in a fool’s ass while cutting down the things you hate most in life.

I made it exactly 53 minutes before I felt like my skin was going peel off my body.  (The Mister and I both suffer from horrible allergies which is the biggest reason we aren’t outside with the rest of the POA every Saturday lovingly pruning our perfect lawns and gardens.)  When I walked outside every tree, shrub, weed and blade of grass in a one-mile radius said, “Oh hey girl, how you doin’.  Let’s mate.”  Then sprayed me with their pollen.

I got in the shower and had to scrub with that stuff.  You know, the stuff they sell for way too much money when it’s basically a bunch of sand in a tube.  I figured I looked like Skinless Julia from Hellraiser when I exited the shower from scrubbing so hard.

Progress report:

Weeds-turned-trees eradicated: 6/8

Shrubs trimmed back: 5/God knows how many

Japanese maple pruned: 1/1

Couch to street visibility: 60% (was 0%)

Spider bites: 1

Snakes encountered: 0 (A huge victory.  If you don’t think a fat white girl can run, put a snake in front of me.  I will Usain Bolt right the hell outta there.)

Loads of yard waste removed: 1

Maybe I should try drunk gardening...

3 thoughts on “State of the Garden Address

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