Picking out the perfect Oscar dress…

If you’ve visited here before, you’re probably aware of the Buffy vs. Jenmac feud that has turned the fashion world upside-down.  Or not.

In light of that situation, I’m taking my Oscar gown shopping very seriously so Buffy doesn’t try to steal my dress again.  Not that she’ll be hanging at the Oscars, but one can never be too careful.

I narrowed my selection down to a couple that I thought were beautiful, but completely different from the standard fare typically offered up on the king of red carpets by the endless line of starved starlets.  I showed them to my fashion advisor (Joe) and here’s how it went…

From Stephane Rolland’s Spring ’12 couture collection

Me: Isn’t it gorgeous?

Joe: Uh, no.  What’s with the bow?

Me: That’s not a bow.  It’s an artistic representation of a flower.  A rose perhaps.

Joe: Is it fabric?

Me: Yes.

Joe: Does it stick up off the dress?

Me: Yes.

Joe: Then it’s a bow.

Me: Whatever. Besides it totally has an Angelina vibe about it.  She’d probably wear it too.  Then I could walk up to Seacrest while he’s interviewing her and she’d look over and see this short pudgy girl wearing the same dress.  I’d raise my eyebrow and look her up and down and she’d run away.  Then I’d yell in my most Southern accent, “Hey Seacrest!  Did y’all see that?  That Angelina gal is wearin’ my dang dress.  Jenmac out.”  It will be awesome.

Joe: Um, yeah.  So you’re going for the “Who Wore it Best” thing or “Bitch Stole My Look” on Fashion Police?

Me: Of course.  And Joan Rivers would totally pick me because deep down everyone hates Angelina.  And besides, skinny rich white people LOVE to compliment fat girls on the red carpet.  It makes them feel like they’re being more relatable to people watching at home.

Joe: Well, that bow…

Me: Flower.

Joe: Whatever.  That bow is awful.  Your boobs stick out to here [shows me where my boobs are, in case I forgot] and that thing would stick out to here [moves his hands out several more inches].  That’s just crazy.

Me: Fine.  How about this one.

From the Giambattista Valli Spring ’12 collection

Joe: Hate.

Me: Really?  But it’s…

Joe: Hate.

He explained to me that more cleavage will land me on more best dressed lists.  So I moved on and continued watching more of the Spring ’12 couture shows and it hit me.

Me: ELIE SAAB!!!

I mean, after all Elie Saab created the dress I’m saving to wear for my high school reunion’s all-white-attire dinner party.  This is it…

Yeah, I’m wearing green to an all-white party. I don’t wear white formals. I’m not a bride. And I can’t wear this to the Oscars because Gwyneth totally already stole it from me last year.

So I check out Elie’s Spring collection and lo and behold…

An entire collection of gorgeous booberiffic gowns.  I’m not normally a pastel type of gal, but these are to die for, so I’m giving it a go.

Now, hands off, Anne Hathaway.  I see you eyeballing these.

Did y’all see that?!

So, I’m just sucking down my Sunday night pinot grigio when I realize that the Golden Globes are on and I totally missed the red carpet.  For anyone who knows me well, you know that red carpets are the highlight of my day, so the realization that I had missed out on one of the biggies was supremely depressing to yours truly.

I immediately flipped the channel to the appropriate station and lo and behold Sarah Michelle Gellar is on stage in MY.DAMNED.GOWN.

Don’t believe me?  Go here.  I totally called dibs on that thing back in September.

Buffy, you are DEAD.TO.ME.

Joe reminded me that I’m getting myself all worked up over a dress I wore to an imaginary awards ceremony where I won an imaginary award in my imagination.  Always the party pooper, that one.