During the Emmys I always practice my future acceptance speech for “Best Writing for a Comedy Series.” (I also do one for the Oscars for “Best Original Screenplay”, the Golden Globes for “Best Screenplay” and the Grammys for “Best Rap Performance”.) Every year the speech changes just a bit. Here’s a play-by-play for last night’s:
[Walks up to podium in stunning Monique Lhuillier gown that makes the audience gasp and accepts award from Jason Bateman and Nathan Fillion, who kisses me on the cheek and slips me his number with a wink.]
[Stare at trophy for a moment as a single tear falls down my cheek. Look out at audience and laugh.]
“Oh my gosh, y’all, Captain Mal just hit on me! [audience breaks into hysterical laughter]
“Okay, down to business. I have a list of people who I’d like to thank, and it’s gonna take a sec, so orchestra [points to conductor] cut it out.
“To the ladder-climbing GED-holder stuck in the same dead-end job for 10 years, who said to a friend of mine ‘Well, she thinks she’s a writer. I’ll believe it when I see it.’
“To the man who is in his fifteenth year waiting tables while holding a Political Science degree who asked me ‘What in the world are you gonna do with an English degree?’
“To the high school counselor who told me ‘Creative writing and AP Calculus are at the same time, so you’ll have to choose. I’d suggest calculus. It’ll probably come in handy more than creative writing.’
“You all have inspired me and pushed me to do my best. I will not mention your names here, because I won’t give you the satisfaction of having your name announced on MY night. But you know who you are, and tomorrow while you’re hanging around the water cooler, you won’t be able to tell anyone that I was talking about you, because then they’ll know that you’re an a-hole.
So, in closing, I give you a big hearty, SUCK IT.” [Depending on how saucy I'm feeling... or sauced I am, middle fingers or f-bombs may or may not fly. Network sensors, take note.]
“Oh, and thank you to my agent.” [Nathan Fillion and Jason Bateman make their way over to me to try to lead me off-stage as the orchestra starts playing]
“And my Joe, who couldn’t be here tonight because he thinks wearing a tux for several hours sounds like the least fun evening ever in the history of the world.” [Nathan throws me over his shoulder and starts to carry me off-stage.]
[Yelling towards microphone] “And Preston, I love you, now go to bed, you have school tomorrow. Don’t forget to brush your teeth.”
Yep. Pretty much the best acceptance speech ever.
Ah, Monique Lhuillier… she makes the most amazing gowns…
PS. Yeah, I was feeling a little angsty last night. I’m blaming this massive migraine I’ve had for like 5 days. And PMS. And lack of wine in my system.