While finishing up the final edits of “The Last Girl”, I also decided to do what I could to try to slim down a bit. You know, for bikini season. (For those of you who know me personally, I’ll wait while you finish laughing at that visual.)
I started drinking that Plexus Slim that you see people shilling all over social media. I was skeptical, but lo and behold, I’m down between 60 and 70 pounds right now (depending upon what day of the week it is). I didn’t add any exercise regimen, just my usual chasing after The Peeshwank and going up and down stairs at various and sundry theatrical productions.
Day 1: (15 sit-ups, 5 crunches, 5 leg lifts, 10 second plank)
Okay these sit-ups hurt a bit. 10 seconds of planking? I can do that. [8 seconds later] OH MY GOD HOW LONG ARE THESE LAST TWO SECONDS!?!
Day 2: (20/8/8/12)
I can do this. It’s only a few more reps than yesterday. OH MY GOD MY TAILBONE! WHAT THE HELL?
Day 3: (25/10/10/15)
A pillow! I’ll put a pillow under my tailbone for my sit-ups. OH MY GOD, IS THIS PILLOW BROKEN? WHY DOES MY TAILBONE STILL HURT WHEN I SIT UP?
Day 4: (rest day)
Oh, sweet Mother of all that is right and good in the world. A rest day! This is amazing!
Day 5: (30/12/12/20)
Hey, these sit ups aren’t as bad as I remember. Time for leg lifts… OH MY GOD! OUCH!
Day 6: (35/15/15/25)
I am ROCKING these sit ups! WOOHOO!!
“Hey, P, count my seconds for my plank for me, okay? 25 seconds.”
“Oh my god, are you trying to kill me?”
“You know, if you want abs, you should just do planks all the time.”
“If I had the ability to do planks all the time, I’d HAVE abs.”
“Whatever, mom, they’re not that hard.”
“Just keep counting. How many seconds am I at?”
“You’re a horrible little person.”
“But I’m a good counter.”
Day 7: (40/20/20/30)
“40 sit ups? Who do they think I am, Wonder Woman?”
40 sit ups later. “I AM WONDER WOMAN!”
Day 8: (rest day)
“Oh my god, why did I drink scotch last night? Oh well, let’s get this over with.”
Put on workout clothes.
“REST DAY! OH MY BUDDHA, WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE SUCH A TREAT?!”
Day 9: (45/30/30/35)
Ugh. Just keep on keeping on. Look at the skinny girl in the picture. You wanna look like her, right? You know what, screw her. She’s probably never stepped foot in a bookstore.
Day 10: (50/50/30/38)
Can’t.Do.It. 45 is my limit.
Day 10.2: (50/50/30/38)
I will make this day my bitch!
Day 11: (55/65/35/42)
P: Hey mom, 42! The meaning of life! This day is gonna be awesome!
Me: The meaning of death, you mean. Jesus, how long is 42 seconds?!?!
Day 12: (rest day)
Oh, thank you Jesus.
Day 13: (60/75/40/50)
Day 14: (65/85/42/55)
While doing the 55 second plank:
MY GOD, WHY ARE SECONDS SO LONG!?!?!?!
Sweet Buddha, what hell hath I wrought in a past life to deserve this?
Day 15: (70/90/42/60)
I made it to 55 sit-ups and moved on. I thought I would come back to them after I finished the 90 crunches (ouch), 42 leg lift (eh, not too bad), and 60 second plank (Okay, I admit it was only a 35 second plank). I ended up opting for cappuccino instead.
Day 16: Oh sweet rest day, where have you been all my life?
Day 17: (75/100/45/65)
I did it. It was not pretty. There may or may not have been groaning.
Joe: There’s fuzz on your pants.
Me: There’s probably a lot of things on my pants. I seriously need to vacuum.
Joe: Is this an unintended side-effect of the ab challenge? More vacuuming.
Y’all. I did a 100 crunches. 100. Like triple digits. WTF? Who am I?
Day 18: (80/110/48/70/19)
80 sit ups, 110 crunches, 48 leg lifts, 70 second plank, and 19 “f*** you’s”.
Day 19: (85/120/50/75)
Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Day 20: (rest day)
The sun is shining, the birds are chirping. It’s such a beautiful day. I hope it never ends. No seriously. Please, never end.
Day 21: (90/130/52/80)
There is a clump of hair on the carpet in the living room where I engage in my daily masochism. My body has now staged a full-on revolt against the ab challenge.
Day 22: (95/140/55/85)
I was seeing stars at the end of the 85-second plank. Isn’t that like a sign of head trauma, y’all. This challenge means business. Clearly.
Day 23: (rest day)
Wait, whaddya mean it’s not a rest day? I thought it was a rest day. Surely, it’s a rest day. I mean, I’m all showered and dressed and everything. It’s a rest day, right?
Day 24: (was a rest day, but isn’t anymore because I’m an idiot, so now it’s the first in a very long 4-day stretch. (100/150/58/90))
Day 24: redux (100/150/58/90)
Day 25: (105/160/60/95)
I started hallucinating around 80 sit-ups in. The faces of Ren, Stimpy and Elvis stared down at me from the popcorn ceiling. By the 150th crunch I was asking them if they’d heard the good news that the Flying Spaghetti Monster had brought us.
Joe came into the living room to ask if I was all right. The next thing I remember, I was in the shower. I don’t know how I got there. There are only 5 days left of the challenge and I’m starting to fear that I may not make it out alive.
Day 26: (110/170/60/100)
Gah… gah… gah…
Day 27: (115/180/62/110)
What hell hath I wrought upon my body…
Day 28: (rest day)
Day 29: (120/190/62/115)
Day 30: (125/200/65/120)
My abs still look like crap.