The Peeshwank was cast our local theater’s production of “A Christmas Story”.  His director asked us to fill out a bio form for the program and the following conversation happened:

Me: [reading from the form] “Please list any spouse, children or family you wish to mention.”

Peeshwank: “Sparkles.”

Me: “You’re married to a girl named Sparkles?”

Peeshwank: “No, he’s my kid.  He’s a unicorn.  I found him in a pasture.  He [jazz hands] sparkles.” 

This is NPH on a unicorn, your argument is invalid.

I give up.